Hearts and Thoughts
by zevgirl
Summary: A Templar and a mage have more in common than they ever thought possible. Milestones in their romance throughout the Inquisition timeline. Mostly head canon and filling in the blanks, with minor spoilers for the events and timing of the Cullen/Trevelyan romance, with original content not in game. Rated T for now.
1. A Start

**Hearts and Thoughts**

"_The first time I saw you I noticed your hair, of all things. It was filthy with debris and tousled all about your face, but I could still see that brilliant color under the grime."_

"_And the first time I saw you I thought you were a warmonger and a Templar pig." She smirked when his brows drew together. "Good thing for you my opinion has changed dramatically."_

How soundly they slept when they were together now, peaceful and relaxed, unlike the prior months of battle and upheaval. The past didn't matter anymore though. With an arm draped over her waist, he laughed at that conversation, a lifetime ago, he thought.

The Maker always did have a strange sense of humor, and it was even more apparent when he'd decided to drop a mage at their feet after the Conclave explosion. Cullen had been wary at first; all those years of Templar training hadn't been easy to forget. Though his hesitancy had been tempered by Evelyn Trevelyan's altruistic approach to all things. She'd been so like the many mages he'd known over the years, unaffected and ignorant of the outside world, unknowing of the horrors beyond the circle. She'd also been unlike them, open and honest, wearing her heart on her sleeve, much the way he had always done. No wonder he was drawn to her from the beginning. They were kindred spirits in more ways than one.

To hear her tell it, the Ostwick Circle had been more lenient than most, the Templars more tolerant, but perhaps she just choose to spin it that way to keep a more conciliatory note among the advisors. She had intrigued him though, and he hadn't been sure if it was her bright copper hair or her flippant, yet honest sense of humor, if one could call it a sense of humor. She wasn't particularly funny, but their conversations often left him smiling. Or maybe it had been a simple need to know a mage on a personal level, as a friend and companion, to understand what it was like to be held back, controlled. Collared and leashed. He had his own definition of leashed and suspected hers was similar.

Either way, it had been his job to protect her in the beginning, and it hadn't hurt to study her while he did so considering she had been, for all intents and purposes, a perfect candidate for Inquisitor, though it took him a while to admit that to himself.

Falling in love with her was another thing altogether. Thank the Maker she approached him about their mutual attraction when he was too… cautious to do so those many months ago. The experiences they'd had together, the trauma, the triumph, the joy and heartache had created a closeness he never dreamed possible with a woman. It wasn't an easy road, but it was one he would travel over and over again to keep her at his side.

* * *

**Rescue**

She was dimly aware of the strong arms scooping her out of the biting snow. How long had she been trudging along? Hours? Days? It was all a blur once she left Haven. Faint whispering echoed in her ear, a man's soft voice, full of warmth. Her head flopped on a shoulder, one which bore her weight, and her life force.

Cullen had always smelled of leather and sword metal, clean and masculine. It soothed her, much like a warm cup of tea. The feathers on his pauldrons tickled her cheek, but she was too weak to smile let alone laugh. But the serenity she felt at that moment was well beyond the idea of being saved from an icy death. It was his presence alone that brought her peace then, but she couldn't quite understand why he had that effect on her.

"She's alive!"

"Bring her to the healing tent Dorian and Solas have set up."

"She's colder than ice."

Funny, though she felt cold initially, the extreme warmth that ghosted over her cheek and stung as they passed a fire indicated that the frostbite was rather severe. But she was in camp now. _Their_ camp. Things could only get better.

He laid her down gently on a bed roll, covering her with thick furs and tucking them under her chin. Cassandra and Leliana recited stories of old, meant to illicit a response and keep her from falling into a deep sleep, but her lips were too frozen to move, her thoughts muddled in the past. Solas forced her to drink an ancient herbal tea meant to dispel the frostbite and warm the innards. Prayers were offered as hands rubbed her legs to restore circulation, but her vision was still clouded, still searching for the one face she needed to find as sleep fought to claim her, memories of a past life creeping to her lips.

"Don't take it," she mumbled. "It's mine, Mama. I can't do any of it without the stick."

"Inquisitor," she heard. "Are you all right? What are you talking about? Something at Haven?"

"Haven. He was there, you know. He told me."

"Told you what?" Cullen asked.

"She's dreaming. Or delusional. Not surprising," someone said.

Yes, part dream, part reality. She had no idea what any of it meant. She spoke words with no meaning, saw visions with no faces.

As the embers slowly died in the fire near to her, a hand covered hers, rough with years of swordplay but warm and soothing, and his rhythmic squeezes kept beat. She squinted, seeing the contours of his face, the gentle eyes, somber and concerned. She squeezed back, hoping he understood what his vigil meant to her. It wasn't herbal tea and fairy tales that healed her. It was his touch, his creased brows and worried expression and nothing else.

Later, after they arrived at Skyhold, she summoned the courage to convey her appreciation, though it was uncomfortable, the air between them charged with the energy of hesitation, and anticipation.

"I want to thank you for saving me, for staying by my side until the worst had passed."

"My efforts were of no consequence really." He smiled slightly, shifting on his feet and shuffling some parchments. "I'm glad you're faring well, especially now that we're here in Skyhold. We need our Inquisitor to be at her peak performance."

"And is that why you stayed with me? To ensure the life of the Inquisition's leader?" she asked, her voice softer than she meant it to be. "Because I was rather hoping it was for more personal reasons, Commander Cullen."

"Oh, I… I did hope you would come through unscathed, and for more reasons than you'd think." He spoke too quickly, too matter-of-factly, not knowing that she'd made the leap, thinking his words meant more than they did.

"What reasons? Why can't you speak plainly, Cullen?"

"I just… I meant that…." He stammered and averted his eyes. "It's hard to see anyone suffer so. We all felt helpless at first, but you recovered quickly given the circumstances."

"Ah, I understand." No matter how peeved she was at his inability of be more forthcoming, she had to leave before something too forward spilled from her lips. And she wouldn't embarrass him either. "I just wanted to thank you… find me if you need me."

Face flushed with heat, she raced out the door shaking her head at her own confusing comments.

* * *

_**A/N:** So many blanks to fill in. The Cullen romance really melted me and I had to get some thoughts down. This will likely be just snippets as the romance progresses._


	2. Games

**Games**

"I could cheat, you know, beat you horribly."

"Dorian said the same." Cullen let go a low chuckle. "Though I get the feeling you don't really need to cheat to beat me at chess."

"You're right, I don't. Bring on your best moves, Cullen." She winked spontaneously, realizing the double meaning of her comment. But she didn't regret it, not while they were having such a relaxing time together. Sometimes it was better to live on the edge, and pushing Cullen was more than fun. It was invigorating. Entertaining. But more than that, she reveled in his musings, most of them accompanied by the most adorable half-smiles.

During the match, he talked of his family, as did she, both telling tales of childhood and siblings, of dreams and youthful fantasies. He spoke of the pride he and his family felt when he began along the Templar path. He had been committed, truly wanting to do his best, and she couldn't fault his intentions as they were as admirable as his enthusiasm, which seemed to sustain him throughout his training.

Shyly, she mentioned that her family had "issues" with her being a mage, but she wasn't comfortable divulging the entire story just yet, and he, thankfully, didn't ask more of her.

With that, their bond had shifted during the game, a lightheartedness burgeoning, a comfortable and casual rapport that had been elusive before.

Over an hour went by, the game close with every move, though some moves were less than stellar. Stolen glances disrupted their well-planned maneuvers, and Evelyn was too often distracted by his handsome "deep in thought" expression. But when Cullen made an irrevocably bad move, she rushed in and crushed him.

"Well played," he said, his voice even and resigned. He regarded her seriously for a moment, studying her face with narrowed eyes. "You are not the woman I thought you were in Haven. You're… a bit ruthless, I think."

"I'm competitive, yes, but I'm also thoughtful about my conquests." A somewhat forward eyebrow waggle accompanied the comment. She wasn't sure if he approved of her smug grin either, but neither did she care. "Don't tell me you're a sore loser, Cullen."

"Not in the least. But I wonder if there is anything you ever fail at, Inquisitor?"

"Cullen, please call me Evie." Why did she say that? No one had called her Evie since she was a child. The compliment had thrown her, clearly, and she repositioned herself from the lazy, slouching posture she had adopted during the game. "That is if you're comfortable doing so."

They smiled at each other, a reaction that felt completely natural to her, yet she felt exposed at the same time, a tingling warmth spreading through her. The reality of it hit her like a lightning bolt. She was falling for him and falling hard. And fear did not factor into her feelings for once. He was not at all like Jameson, a man who had been controlling and jealous, and sometimes frightening. Perhaps this was the Maker's way of saving her from a marriage to a man who would have kept her like a caged animal. Cullen was the complete opposite, kind and considerate, willing to let others have their opinions without excessive judgment, and it was exhilarating.

"And yes, there are plenty of things I fail at. Like communicating honestly, without feeling nervous that I'll say the wrong thing. But I'm working on it," she said in a moment of brazen self-assurance.

"I understand that, believe me. I can command an army but have a hard time with small talk at a social gathering." An honest response, one that convinced her that there was more to Cullen than she realized.

"Exactly," she said with a happy sigh, mostly because of their shared flaw. "We should practice together then. Let's go to the tavern once a week and talk with the locals, work on our small talk. What do you say?" Her face lit up with anticipation.

"Well, I… Work keeps me quite busy."

Her bright smile morphed into a frown, disappointment stealing her breath away. "Oh, okay. I understand." She stared at the game board, picking at a hangnail. "Too bad." Her eyes rolled up, waiting for a positive sign. She watched as his expression changed, furrowed brows replaced with a breathtaking smile.

"No, you're right," he said, slight crack in his voice. "We should do exactly as you say. A break once a week will hardly get in the way."

"Oh yeah?" Her eyes met his, her shoulders straightening when she saw his soft and thoughtful gaze. "Then meet me there tonight after dark. You know, Bull is really good at this kind of thing. I'll get him to give us some tips," she said excitedly. "He dragged me to talk to some of the soldiers last week and it was so eye-opening. I had no idea what folks around here thought."

"I talk to the men in the barracks often, but I think they are somewhat reluctant to act natural with me."

"Of course they are" she said, as if he were joking. "Maybe I should wander into the barracks some time, see what's what." And she was serious, wanting to somehow make it easier for him to communicate with his men.

"No, no. That is not a good idea, Inquisit- I mean Evie. They're a rough and tumble bunch most days."

"Are you worried for me, Cullen? Because I can handle myself."

"I know you can, it's just… well, you're more cultured than most of them and… Maker's breath, I don't know what I'm saying anymore."

She laughed a little. "Well that makes two of us."

The two of them blushed a rosy red at the same time. Maker, could he be any more like her?

"I'm sorry if I've made you uncomfortable, Cullen," she said. "It was not my intention."

"Oh, it's not you. But I have to ask, Evie, what do you… I mean are you…."

"Interested in spending time with you and getting to know you better?" she said. "Yes, and I'm sorry if that's too forward for you, but life is short, Cullen, and I cannot just sit around waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet out of the blue."

"Straight to the point then," he said, low and uncomfortably, until he faced her and stared into her eyes. "All right. So we're in agreement there. I look forward to our practice venture later and I hope-"

"Commander, we have an urgent situation in the barracks," interrupted one of Cullen's men. "One of the new recruits has locked himself in the privy and is threatening set it aflame!"

Evelyn snickered, trying to hide her laughter by covering her mouth with her hands but failing miserably. "Oh Cullen, you have my sympathies."

"Yes, I'm sure you feel quite badly for me," he said with pursed lips.

"I truly do," she said, her voice crackling with giddiness. "But I'll see you later, right? Assuming you will have talked him out of such a heinous act."

"Absolutely." His arm brushed hers as he left, the energy between them almost palpable. "And if I'm late, come find me."

His boldness thrilled her, scared her, emboldened her, and ten minutes later, she was asking Vivienne to help fix her hair and pick her clothes.

Cullen was courting her, in his own way, and she wanted him with a fire that seared her and would not be quenched. But the Inquisitor and the Commander becoming a couple? It seemed a crazy notion, one that would cause such gossip at Skyhold. But she had to relax, let things happen naturally. He was clearly a man who could not be pushed, so she had to rein in her impatience and let things unfold. Another challenge she was more than ready to face.

_**A/N: **Thanks so much for the follows, reviews, and faves! It means so much to me. This is all unbeta'd and written on the fly as it comes to me, but I'm glad you guys have enjoyed it so far. Much thanks! _


	3. A Woman under the Influence

**A Woman under the Influence**

Evelyn sat at a corner table in the tavern where she could keep an eye on both doors. It was one-half hour past dark and she was still alone. The seemingly endless wait for Cullen had her almost exasperated as dark thoughts filled her head. What if he'd forgotten about their meeting? Or worse, what if he'd changed his mind about… whatever this meeting meant to him. Practicing social graces sounded so boring when she thought about it. The night would, hopefully, hold more excitement than chatting up the locals offered. As far as she was concerned it was a date anyway. To the void with small talk. End of discussion.

Earlier in the evening, Vivienne had helped her get ready, painstakingly combing out Evelyn's unruly hair and sweeping it up into an elegant _coiffure_, as she called it, with little tendrils of auburn curls falling about her face. Vivienne had also given her two choices of blouses to borrow. One was royal blue with a plunging neckline, and the other, a silky, conservative hunter green chemise, not quite buttoned to her neck. Evelyn choose the more conventional top, not wanting to appear indecent. Vivienne's response to her choice was a dramatic eye roll. Evelyn even listened to some of Vivienne's suggestions on the "finer manipulations of courtship" but manipulation was not how she wanted to win Cullen's heart. _That may work for some, but I'm no-_

"A refreshment, my Lady?" the serving girl asked. "While you wait for your companions?"

"I'm not waiting for all my friends tonight, but I'd like some mulled wine, please." _To loosen my lips a bit._

"Right away, my Lady."

The girl was used to seeing Evelyn with a few friends on rare nights out, though she preferred to curl up with a book or a pile of maps instead of carousing with Bull, Sera, and Dorian. She loved them dearly for trying to break her out of her shell, but she never was fond of getting drunk and talking loudly about crude things. Evelyn figured that after a night or two of her boring company, they'd leave her alone, but they were a determined bunch. She did enjoy watching and listening to them though, noting comments to ponder later, potential worries she could help them with, and even following along with promising romantic ventures. However, if none of them made an appearance while she was with Cullen, she'd be more than happy, not wanting to endure their ribbing.

"Where _is_ he?" she muttered under her breath as the server put her drink down_. If he's not here by the time I finish my-_

The far door flung open and Cullen stepped in, looking quite handsome in casual trousers and a deep burgundy-colored shirt. He rushed over to the table as Evelyn gave him a little wave, but before she could say hello, he explained his lateness.

"I apologize for my tardiness," he said, breathing a bit hard, as if he ran the entire way. "You wouldn't believe how long it took to convince Rawls to leave the privy and stop making threats. The poor recruit is just beside himself," he rattled on, "missing his family and a woman he left behind in Redcliffe. I actually felt sorry for him, though not enough to override his captain's order to keep him on latrine duty for a month." He laughed along with Evelyn though his gaze kept wandering to take stock of the people in the tavern.

Her foot tapped uncontrollably, waiting for him to look at her closely, to see how she'd changed her hair and clothes, silly as it was."You're a softie at heart, Cullen."

"Ha! Please don't say that in front of my men. I'd never live it down."

_Maker, shut up and sit down already._ "Cullen, why don't you have a seat now?" Her somewhat forceful tone caught his attention.

"Ah, yes, forgive my ramblings." He pulled out a chair with a smile for her, then remained motionless, finally taking in the sight of her. "You look different tonight. More feminine and… fancy."

Her eyes widened. "Different, feminine, _and_ fancy? I don't think I've been complimented like that before. If it is, in fact, a compliment."

"Oh, it is. Most certainly." He sank into the chair and rubbed the back of his neck. "I'm not very good at this. My apologies."

"No worries. I can read between the lines." She kicked him under the table, lightly, but his eyes darted to hers nonetheless. "And you're looking quite masculine and not at all commanding in your casual clothes."

"Touché," he said with a smile. Growing more serious, he placed his hand over hers. She felt the slightest of trembling in his fingers as he slid his thumb back and forth with soothing motion. "Evie, you look beautiful tonight. But I could say that every time I see you."

Looking at his hand on hers, her heart raced as a puddle of sweat must have dripped from her palm. She'd also stopped breathing, her lungs burning for air, and she couldn't help staring at his hand, her mouth agape like a dead fish. "That's nice and... what I hoped... ugh... I should... stop now." _Did I just say that nonsense aloud?_ She raised her gaze to his, her voice soft and sweet. "Thank you."

"Have I rendered you speechless? If only there were witnesses," he joked, a lighthearted half-smile raising his cheek.

The wisecrack flew over her head, her heart bursting with feelings that warmed her down to her toes. "In all honesty, that is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me, Cullen. Truly."

"I would think you'd be used to hearing things like that." The warmth of his hand left when he tried to wave to a serving girl. "The service in here is sorely lacking. It's as if she's looking right through me."

"She's the only one working tonight. Give her a break."

"You're more of a softie than I am, I think."

The shared sentiment melted her further. All the blood in her body rushed to her head then, but she summoned her voice, determined not to make more of a fool of herself. "My father was the last person to say such a thing and that was… many years ago." Now she felt like she was going to faint, but luckily she had a penchant for not visibly exposing her emotions, or so she thought. She smiled back and asked, "Is it hot in here?" He shook his head as she fanned herself with a napkin. "It must be you then."

"Am I making you uncomfortable? I'll stop if-"

"No! It's what you said that has me flustered. Maker, I don't know what I'm saying." She sighed, and not so quietly. Again, he put his hand over hers, easing her discomfort.

"It's not often I make a woman swoon."

"And I am swooning, make no mistake." But her elation was tempered by a distant memory. Leliana or Josephine must have told him about Jameson by now. "Not to ruin the mood, but I'm sure you know I was betrothed before the Conclave, right?"

His brows drew together. "Betrothed? To whom? I've never heard of this."

"You haven't?" Her foot was firmly placed in her mouth now. It was not the first time and it certainly wouldn't be the last. Her insecurities had the better of her, or perhaps the worst, but there was no turning back. "Even though I was at the Circle, an arrangement had been made when I was very young to marry another noble, Jameson Goddard. Being from the Trevelyan family I wasn't quite as bound to the Circle as the other mages. Favors and political machinations and all that. But I didn't want to marry him. He was…." She paused, shuttering at the thought of that man's hands on her. "He was cruel. Mean-spirited. And I hated him. I protested to my parents daily, but they had locked in the marriage many years before."

His hand slipped off hers and balled into a fist. "Did he… hurt you?" he asked, his voice low, the question almost caught in his throat. "Was he improper?"

"That's in the past now." Her eyes dropped to her wine glass. "I know Leliana and Josephine knew of it. I wonder why they didn't they tell you?"

"They were respecting your privacy," he said as every muscle in his shoulders seemed to tense when he sat straight up.

"More likely they were saving _you_ undue stress with the possibility of violence."

"True, that." A slight smile curved his lips for a moment. "It is unacceptable for a man to… assert his strength with a woman. I abhor brutish men with no respect."

"I guess I shouldn't have told you. I only wanted to make sure there were no secrets between us."

"And that's why you told me now?" he said, his voice oddly distant. "I have to say your timing is a bit strange."

"I've heard that before." He was looking at her as if she'd sprouted horns. Was he jealous? Angry? Concerned? Damn it, she was too open about it, and he was likely put off now. But she was only being honest with him, letting him in on a piece of her past. "I'm a blurter, and I can't stop sometimes, especially when I'm nervous."

"A 'blurter?'"

"I blurt, say things without thinking. It's an awful affliction, I assure you. But I want you to know why I'm sometimes... tongue-tied around you. I want you to understand me. "

His shoulders relaxed from his stiff posture. "I understand far more about you than you think." He took a moment to parse the information, his head tilting curiously. "You don't owe me any explanations, by the way. And I find your inhibition endearing."

"Really? You don't think I'm hopeless?"

"No more hopeless than I am, and that's because I'm certain our pasts have created the social recluses we are now. But that's all right. We're here, together, getting to know one another, and, well… that makes me happy. "

"Me too." Maker, he was perfect. She blew out a long held breath. "Another time I'll tell you more of my past. It's not all that exciting anyway, but I _am_ very happy to be away from that life." She took a big gulp of her wine and motioned to the server to bring Cullen a drink. The girl served up the drink quickly as they sat in awkward silence until Cullen broke the silence.

"It seems the Herald of Andraste garners everyone's attention far quicker than the Commander of the Inquisition."

"Maybe she doesn't recognize you without the feathers." Another big gulp went down quickly, and she felt the burn as the sweet wine traveled to her stomach. "This is some tasty wine."

"Easy does it," he said. "You don't want me to have to carry you home, do you?"

"Oh Cullen, please don't tempt me," she said, and took another big sip. "Besides, I can handle it just fine. Back at the Circle, we all knew where the secret stash was. Once a week everyone would get drunk when the Templars were busy praying. I didn't drink as much as some though."

"I knew it!" he said, a boyish grin on his lips. "There was this mage in Ferelden, Solona, and she would tease and flirt with me mercilessly on certain nights. I always suspected spirits were involved, of the alcoholic kind, that is."

"And did you flirt back?"

"Of course not," he said shaking his head. "I was on duty."

"Did you like her though?" Clearly the wine was doing its job. She was delving into his private life, but as long as he was willing to answer, she'd keep asking.

"Well, she was a nice girl. A troublemaker at times, but her sweetness did much to negate any anger we Templars felt. She was often sad though. I'd always hoped she would leave the Circle to live a happier life someday."

She ran a finger around the rim of her glass. "Could you have… helped her do so?"

"Not at all. I was not in a position to help anyone while I was stationed at the Circle Tower."

"But you did try. You know, I read the reports, Cullen." His eyes flew to her hers, not with anger or fear, but sadness and regret. "I know what happened there and in Kirkwall, thought the reports were very dry and fact-heavy. We don't have to discuss it either. I just don't want you to think that your efforts meant nothing to the mages under your watch."

"So many ghosts of the past." Faraway eyes kept him quiet for a minute as they sipped their drinks. "But that's a topic for another time."

"Agreed," she said with a nod.

"So, now that we've divulged just enough for curiosity's sake, shall we move on to our real purpose here?" he asked. "Have you targeted any unsuspecting locals worthy of our attempts at idle talk?"

"Well," she said, glancing around the tavern, "there is that gaggle of girls over there who would just _love_ to pick your brain."

"Maker forbid. Don't you dare put me through that."

"I won't." And she wouldn't, of course. _Wenches_.

Spotting an older couple, new merchants in from Nevarra, he tipped his head toward them. "How about those two? They seemed quite kind when I welcomed them here a few weeks ago."

"The Bilargos?" she said, appalled at his suggestion. "They're the biggest gossips in Skyhold! No, I don't want them to have any more fodder than they'll have just seeing us together tonight. Tongues will be wagging tomorrow as it is."

"And that bothers you." It was a statement, an opinion he thought she held about his worthiness to court her. She had to dispel it immediately.

"Not because I'm embarrassed to be with you," she said. "It's more that I don't like being the center of attention."

"Pardon my saying so, but you are the Inquisitor, Evie. You have no choice in that regard."

She sighed. "Don't I know it."

"You're doing a fine job. No one in all of Skyhold has had anything bad to say about you."

"Give them some time and that will change."

"No it won't," he asserted. "You're fair, honest, and a pillar of strength in their eyes. And mine."

"That's kind of you to say." He was so open and warmhearted, it was a joy and comfort unlike anything she'd felt before. "Keep that up and my ego will get as big as Dorian's."

"To be honest, I thought Dorian might have been more your type."

"I adore him, but Dorian is interested in men, not women. Didn't you know that?"

"No, I didn't." Cullen was nodding, the information slowly dawning on him. "Well, now I understand some of his comments. He seems to favor Bull then?"

"Oh yeah, they've really hit off lately. I'm happy for them. It's wonderful to see their relationship growing as it has."

"All of us deserve some happiness." Cullen exhaled, a wistful ghost of a smile on his lips. "It seems almost impossible to find someone you can be yourself with, someone to commiserate with _and_ celebrate with."

Carefully, because she had no idea how he would react, she reached out and touched his face, tracing the line of the scar that curved on his upper lip. "I can be that person for you, if you want me to be."

"I'd like that." His hand reached up to clutch her fingers, holding them in a grip that was firm but by no means rough. Soft lips kissed the fingers that had just explored his scar. "Especially if you allow me to reciprocate."

"Absolutely."

And there it was, admissions neither could take back. They relaxed into a sort of rhythm then, one thread of conversation leading to another and another. They laughed and companionably argued over politics, choices for the new Divine, and the best seeds to plant in the garden.

By third glass of wine, they were no closer to speaking to anyone in the tavern, as each had a reason, or excuse, not to. But a silent accord indicated they didn't need to. They were making great strides on their own, speaking openly about all sorts topic.

By the fourth glass, Evelyn was feeling tired and bit too reckless. She couldn't stop the next words from leaving her mouth. "So tell me, Cullen, did you take a vow of celibacy when you were a Templar? Or is that just some bullshit I've heard over the years?"

"I, uh, well, no, I took no such vow." He rolled up his sleeves, then ran his fingers through his hair. "Some Templars chose to take vows, but some married as well."

"Well, that's good to hear!" she said, toasting him with an empty glass. "Then tell me of your conquests. How many hearts have you broken over the years?"

"Hopefully none." He shifted in his seat, cracking his neck with a couple tilts of his head. "Perhaps we should call it a night."

"Come on, a handsome man like you? I wager a dozen women have cried into their hankies when you snubbed them." His face turned several shades of crimson. "Evie, I think I should escort you back now. It's quite late and you seem tired."

Oh, this was too fun, but on the other hand, he was clearly struggling with the topic. Best to move on. "Are you suggesting that I'm drunk? Because I'm not. Just a bit tipsy."

"Even so, you're heading to the Hinterlands tomorrow. You'll need to be on your toes."

"Aww, you're concerned for me!" She was giggling now, unable to control her happiness. He was charming without even trying to be.

"Of course I'm concerned for you. Someone has to be the voice of reason here."

"Fine, be that way. Take me home then." She looked away, feigning hurt.

"Now don't get all offended," he said as he took her arm in his.

"I'm not offended in the least, Commander Cullen."

She swayed as he guided her out the door toward the stairs. "You're quite graceful tonight, Inquisitor."

She elbowed him in the ribs. "You better quit poking fun at me or I'll sit on my throne and pass judgment on you. To the dungeon!" Such ludicrous behavior on her part, a once in a lifetime event, and she would cherish the memory forever.

At the late hour, Skyhold was quiet with only the guards on watch and a few folks taking in the night air. By the time they reached the door to her chambers, she was enjoying an occasional view of two Cullens instead of one.

He took her hand and kissed the back of it. "Sleep well, Evie. And please be careful while you're gone."

"Why don't you come up and you can look at my maps, give me some tips on getting around the area?" She pulled him toward the door.

"I don't think that would be prudent tonight," he said, firmly staying in place.

"Cullen." She breathed his name on a sigh, moving to hold his face in her hands. "I want you to kiss me."

"Evie, you're asking for something I… Let's continue this when you return, when we're both more of a mind to make that decision. You'll thank me tomorrow."

"Such a wet blanket," she said with a wink and pushed his shoulder. "Tonight was perfect, you know."

"It _was_ a lovely evening. Your company is a breath of fresh air." He gave her a sweet kiss on the forehead and another on the cheek. "I'll hear the moment your boots are near the gates when you return. Find me as soon as you 're able or I'll hunt you down."

"When I get back, I'm going to sneak into your office and tackle you to the floor, Cullen. I promise."

He laughed, wholly amused by her bold talk. "Give it your best shot. In fact, I challenge you to try to do exactly that."

"Throwing the gauntlet down, are you? Poor thing, you know so little about my competitive side."

"I love a challenge." He stared at her, and she couldn't stop from throwing her arms around him and hugging him fiercely. "I had a wonderful time tonight, even if all the small talk was kept to ourselves."

She backed away slowly, watching him, memorizing the face of the man she was falling in love with.

"Good night, Evie."

"Good night."

After the door closed in front of her, she climbed the stairs, feeling exhilarated, not to mention more than a bit turned on.

When she reached her room, the frantic search began.

_Which drawer did I throw **Hard in Hightown** into last night?_

* * *

Cullen found her note when he went to his office early the next morning. Her scent lingered on the parchment, lavender and vanilla bean, he thought. Then he felt a strange flutter in his chest. He missed her already. Such a strange thought, and feeling, but one he wasn't afraid of, not anymore.

_Dear Cullen,_

_I apologize for my silly behavior last night. Obviously, the wine got the best of me. But I don't regret my words and actions toward you. Even upon waking, the thought of you made me smile. I'll have a surprise for you when I get back too. _

_You will be in my thoughts every day that I'm away from Skyhold. __S__ee you soon._

_Yours,_

_Evie_

"Mine." Could it be true? He wanted it to be so, but it was so quick, so soon, and they hadn't even kissed. Then again, why bother with worry? He hadn't felt as contented and relaxed in years. She was changing him, altering the course of his life, and for the better.

When she returned, they'd certainly talk more, and as he thought about what he might say about his feelings for her, he couldn't help but imagine how it would feel to press his lips to hers, to hold her for more than a few seconds, to commit himself to a future with her in it. When he closed his eyes, a vision of loveliness stole his breath away.

"As beautiful on the outside as she is on the inside. I must remember to tell her that every day." He sat down and began sifting through the days' work, but he was unable to see anything but her face. "Maker help me."

* * *

_**A/N:** Many thanks for the reviews, favs, and alerts! I appreciate it very much. If you have any ideas/prompts not in the game plot for these to two to chat and have a romantic interlude or action scene, let me know, anon or otherwise, and I'll try to come up with something. I will cover everything the game gives us with the romance anyway, but I do like writing outside of the plot. Thanks for reading! _


	4. What We Are

**_A/N: _**_Happy__ 2015! __Some things will not be in the exact order the game portrays them because I think the spacing between the relationship conversations is often too long and/or the conversations are too stilted. Thanks for all the faves and follows, and for the reviews!_

* * *

**What We Are**

Evelyn crossed over the drawbridge into Skyhold as the clouds bloomed with the pinks and purples of dawn. The sun was not quite peeking over the horizon as she wearily carried a half-case of West Hill Brandy, procured from a shady but reliable acquaintance in the Hinterlands. Cullen loved a good brandy, and she hoped he might share some with his captains, aiding communications with the ranks who felt uncomfortable when their Commander was around.

She tiptoed into his office before the sun was shining through those damn holes in his roof. The Inquisition's masons would have to look into fixing that stone. Sure, fresh air was invigorating, but it was unacceptable for the Commander of the Inquisition's army to be sleeping in a wing of the fortress where the rain could puddle on his bed. Shaking her head at the thought, she left the box on his desk and headed outside, leaving the door ajar to spy inside. As she waited, she thought about some of the comments Sera, Dorian, and Iron Bull not so shyly tossed around as they tried to get Evelyn to admit her attraction to Cullen.

_"She's just waiting to ride the Bull, right Evelyn? But I can wait. I'm patient."_

_"As if she'd ever consider those spiky things atop your head attractive, or that ridiculous patch," Dorian said. "No, I think our dear Inquisitor is infatuated with a certain bearded and malodorous Grey Warden, or perhaps a fellow mage, the broody and bald one."_

_"Are you two daft? I know exactly whose arse she's been staring at and it isn't Bull's or Blackwall's. And it's definitely not Solas'. Ugh, he makes your head hurt, he does. It's-"_

_"Sera!" Evelyn cut her off, coming to a complete stop on the road to Redcliffe. "If you all don't mind, I'd appreciate if you would keep your theories to yourselves."_

_"Ha! I'm right, yeah? Makes sense. He's got lots of men under him but needs a woman over him, because, you know… positions."_

_Evelyn let out a loud sigh. "Please stop," was all she managed to say, her entire body feeling as if it was melting into the ground._

_"Truly? You fancy the former Templar?" Dorian asked. "I must say that surprises me, Evelyn. He's not the most cerebral of men, all brawn and machismo, his sword slashing through the air constantly, shouting 'Let's go in with our army and flatten them with our boot heels!'"_

_"That's not at all what he's… like. Ugh." Damn it, she fell right into his trap. "Happy now?"_

_"Enormously." With a triumphant smile, Dorian began walking up the path. _

_"Well, we'll see if he can satisfy you in all the right ways," Bull said. "Doesn't seem to be too experienced, if you ask me." _

_"I didn't ask _any_ of you for suggestions or approval or whatever it is you're offering me."_

_Dorian sidled up to her. "There, there, my dear. It's all in good fun, but if you'd rather tackle this budding relationship without our help, we will cease all talk of the Inquisitor and the Commander's soon-to-be torrid love affair."_

_"No we won't!" Sera said._

_Dorian pointed his staff at her with narrowed eyes. "Yes, we will. For now anyway."_

Maker, they had embarrassed her so, but even worse, she now knew that her feelings for Cullen were on full display _all_ the time, and she thought she was doing such a good job of hiding it. Part of her had wanted to scream at them with orders to leave her be, but another part of her was somewhat glad she wouldn't have to overthink everything she said or did around Cullen. As long as they stayed out of her personal business… but they wouldn't, and she steeled herself for the inevitable ribbing and interference to come. Not to mention what Cullen must think of all her stares and affectionate gazes. But why shouldn't she be honest with everyone, especially Cullen? They'd been in Skyhold for many weeks, and plenty of relationships had started since, among soldiers, merchants, kitchen staff, everyone but her it seemed. Maybe she should just lay it on the line, tell Cullen she wanted more than brief flirtatious encounters or a couple hours of friendly chit-chat over supper. How hard could that be? _Maker's balls…._

When the sun finally rose, Cullen climbed down the ladder, sleep still having a hold on him. He spied the box, and as he peered inside, his face scrunched in confusion. He muttered something she couldn't hear, but the smile he eventually wore was quite satisfying.

Unable to contain her excitement at seeing him, she pushed the door open and announced herself before the surprise on his face had formed into words. "In case you don't recognize me, I'm Evelyn Trevelyan, and I believe you said you'd hear my boots before I set foot in Skyhold."

Confusion morphed into amusement. "And didn't you say you were going to tackle me to the floor?"

"I did say that, didn't I? Okay, so were both a bit too arrogant." Before she knew what she was doing, she had reached up and touched his face, her palm against his cheek. He stood perfectly still, although his jaw tensed. "It's good to see you, Cullen."

"And you, Evie." He scrutinized her then, checking her from head to toe. "The Hinterlands were uneventful then?"

"Not a scratch, as you can see." She twirled around and then beamed at him as he took hold of her hands. "And we stopped by Redcliffe for a night, too." The sound of her heartbeat thumped in her ears as he pulled her closer. "It was all pretty dull, unless you count dealing with Dorian's annoyingly repentant father. But I did convince him to talk to the master of the Pavus family so he wouldn't regret it in the future."

"See? As I said the other night, you're a softie," he said with a poke to her shoulder. "He appreciated the effort I'm sure."

"He did. But I have to go talk to him. He was very quiet on the way back." She peered around nervously, and her mouth quirked. "I did miss being here… well, I missed you more than I expected to," she said, no longer remembering a single reason to hide her emotions from him.

"Things were quite uninspiring here without you." He leaned in slightly, his gaze drifting from her lips to her eyes. "I thought of you yesterday when-"

The door flung open, an announcement from his aide shattering the intimate moment.

"Commander, Lady Cassandra asked that I give you this immediately. I think it has to do with the Grey Wardens."

He stepped away from Evelyn, every muscle tensing as the man handed him a folded parchment, which Cullen glanced at and tossed on his desk. "Thank you. That will be all." His eyes narrowed with a sternness she'd only seen when he was shouting orders to his men, chiseling his handsome features.

The aide nodded and turned to leave, closing the door quietly.

Cullen sighed. "I'm sorry, Evie. The lack of privacy here is infuriating." He paced back and forth once, wringing his hands. "So you brought me some brandy? That was very thoughtful."

"I thought you'd like it, and maybe you'll find some use for it among your men?"

"To make them feel more at ease with their Commander?"

"Yes." His voice had turned a bit monotone and he was more soft-spoken than usual. Evelyn wondered if she had somehow overstepped her bounds. "Was that wrong of me to do?" she asked, a slight quaver in her question.

"No, not all." He stared out the window again, unsettled and shifting with sharp motions in ways she hadn't seen before. "I do appreciate your thoughtfulness."

"Is something wrong, Cullen?" She moved closer to him, within reach but not so close as to invade his personal space. "You seem upset?"

"I'm sorry, Evie. I'm... I was distracted. There is something I need to speak with you about, and I should have mentioned this before now."

"Did something happen while I was gone?" she asked, panic rising up to her throat.

"No, no." He rolled his head around, cracking the bones in his neck and trying to relax the muscles. "You know the Templars take lyrium to sustain their powers, as I did for years. When the Inquisition recruited me, I decided to stop taking it. I did not want to be tied to the Order nor shackled by addiction."

Worry mingled with pride, causing a rebellion of emotions to churn her stomach. "I know some Templars go mad from the lyrium. I recall a few older and addled ones I knew over the years, and they were so… lost."

"Yes. Some go mad, others die. And those who survive… their memories are often erased due to the lyrium. I couldn't go on the way I'd been in Kirkwall. When Cassandra approached me to join the Inquisition, I felt it was the perfect time to cut _all_ ties. And now, the mere thought of losing my memories of Haven and Skyhold… of you... It's clear to me that I've made the right decision."

She looked up and was met with the most affectionate gaze she'd ever seen from a man. "That was very brave of you, Cullen. And I totally support your decision, but… do you feel all right? It can't be easy. You do look a little pale."

"Some days are worse than others, but so far I've handled it. I've asked Cassandra to keep an eye on me, in case I was failing in my duties or incapable of leading the Army. As a Seeker, she is particularly skilled in the area."

"Good. I trust her implicitly. Though you shouldn't have been anxious about telling me. I'm here for you, Cullen, if you ever need to talk or vent or… whatever."

He glanced at her warily, his brows drawing together. "I just thought if I'm not acting myself, you will know why."

"And I appreciate that, but please lean on me if you need to. Cassandra can monitor this while I'm gone, but when I'm here, don't shut me out."

"You needn't concern yourself-"

She grabbed the hand that was slicing through the air as he tried to make his point. "Please let me help."

"I will not be a burden to the Inquisition." He pulled away and bent over the desk, the palms of his hands pressing into the hard wood. "And especially not to you, not when you have so many other lives depending on you."

"You could never be a burden to me, Cullen. Never. I _want_ to help if I can." Tears welled in her eyes unbidden. Why didn't he trust her? "Isn't that what friends are for? To share the good _and_ the bad?"

"I'm unaccustomed to sharing such things." When he looked at her and saw tears threatening to fall, he drew in a sharp breath. Maker help him; she was on the verge of tears. The thought brought a sharp pain to his chest. "No, Evie, please don't… I didn't mean that I don't trust you. I do, but I've not the friends you have and I was never comfortable discussing personal issues with others."

"But I _am_ your friend, more than a friend if… Well, that's up to you."

"I… I do want that, but... I'm… ah, this is not how I imagined things would be. I thought it would be easier." He looked away, silent for a moment. "I thought I wouldn't feel the pull of the lyrium, and to drag you into my problems... It's not what I wanted."

"So the timing is bad. So what? We both have burdens, so why not help each other?" She put her hand on his arm, her voice soft and sweet. "I know you're proud, and you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. I know you can do this. And I would never speak of anything you share with me in private to anyone else." The time was right to lay it all out, and if he felt the same then she ought to do something about it. But how was she to gauge his feelings on the matter? "Maybe we should talk about this, about us too, and then we'll be more comfortable speaking about our lives and our other problems. I'll even go first if you like."

She looked at him with such a sense of expectation, and spoke with so much hope in her voice that no matter what roles they each played in the Inquisition, he wanted to be with her, to have her by his side through it all.

"I don't disagree. But I don't want to rush… well, I _do_ want to, but I'm trying to keep a level head here."

"I'm not intentionally pressuring you, Cullen, but on the other hand, we need to sort out our feelings to move forward, don't you think? I mean I don't know what you're thinking any more than you know what I'm thinking." The nervous rambling mirrored her insides, her stomach fluttering and flipping with every word. "But maybe this is too much for one day. I'm sorry. I know it's a lot to cover."

"Don't apologize, Evie. I'm grateful for your concern." Gazing at her with soft eyes, he considered her suggestion and slowly nodded his agreement. "All right. Let's talk. But out on the battlements where we've more privacy."

She stood still as he held the door for her, surprised that he'd agreed.

"After you, Lady Trevelyan."

"And you're sure you want to discuss this now?" she asked. "It was just a suggestion."

He laughed a little. "Really? Because it sounded more like an order."

"No! I never meant it to sound that way!" Her cheeks heated, her lips quivering a bit before he laughed louder.

"I'm only joking with you. I do want to discuss this now." He motioned for her to move outside, and held out his hand. "You look tired, Evie. You should get some rest before doing any work today."

Taking his hand, she squeezed it once. "I'm fine, not at the peak of cleanliness, but not too tired either."

"You smell just fine to me. Lavender and vanilla bean, if I'm not mistaken."

Her brows rose in a skeptical arch. "Do you have a nose for scents or did someone tell you I favor lavender and vanilla?"

"I have more talents than just battlefield maneuvers, you know."

"Oh? I'm, interested to hear of these supposed talents, Cullen."

"All in due time," he said with a grin. Leading her to the wall, he shooed away a lingering guard and gazed out at the snowcapped mountains. "Such beauty. My love for Skyhold increases every day."

"I love it here too." Her fears settled a little thanks to the shared fondness for their new home. She turned to face him with a semblance of confidence. "Cullen, I care for you, and I've been thinking of you… well, almost all the time really."

"And I have too… Thought about you, that is… and sometimes… Ah, Maker." He looked away, his hand rubbing his neck. "I've thought of what I'd say to you in a situation like this many times, but clearly I'm not practiced enough."

"Don't over think it," she said, looking him in the eyes. "Just say what feels right."

"I never thought it was possible, not here at least," he said softly, moving close to her. "To find someone I felt such kinship with, and to have so much in common… I _do_ want this. Us. But you're the Inquisitor, and I'm… but that doesn't matter, not really. If you are willing, then I am too, Evie."

She loved the low thrum of his voice when he said her name. "I'm here and very willing."

"Good." He leaned in, his eyes closing as his lips drew closer and closer to hers.

"Commander, I have the message from Leliana you were waiting for."

Interrupted by the messenger once again, Cullen's fists balled, his face contorting with anger as he spun around. "What? You're interrupting _again_, man!"

"But you said you wanted—" He glanced at Evelyn as she shifted uncomfortably in place. "Ah, I will leave this on your desk then. Sorry. So sorry to interrupt, Commander. I'll be going now," he murmured, backing away a few steps before scurrying toward the door.

"Cullen, if you need to—"

His lips took hers, hot and demanding as she squeaked her surprise. His hands clenched hard around her upper arms, then purposefully loosened, and the kiss eased into tenderness with a soft, sultry meeting of lips. When he pulled back, his cheeks flared crimson but she held his face and dispelled any discomfort he was feeling.

"That was, um… nice," he whispered.

"It was."

"Was it too soon?"

"No, not at all. Do _you_ regret it?" she asked, her nerves tingling in ways she never felt before.

"No, I don't." He laughed to himself a moment. "We're quite a pair, so worried over the most basic of things."

"Silly, isn't it?" She laughed a little nervously. "A kiss shouldn't throw us considering what we face every day." A part of her felt exposed though, scared and childlike, but it also felt right, predestined. "I wouldn't even pursue this if I thought it was wrong or bad or… Maker, Cullen, you're so very different than the men I've known. Well, the one man. I don't know, you're honest. You're caring without even trying, a naturally kindhearted man." Then she smiled slyly, inching closer to his face. "It was all a blur though. Maybe another kiss will make it more clear."

"As you wish."

Again he kissed her, wanting more this time, his mouth firm and warm, with strong hands tracing a path from her hips to her neck, then her shoulders, his body hard against her. The reality shocked her—especially that part of him she would one day know fully, and the thought filled her with wild desire rather than fear.

His lips molded to hers as a fire burned through her veins and she pressed closer. He chuckled against her mouth. "Or maybe you'd like this." His tongue made a teasing foray inside, searching and committed, before he lifted his head. "You and I, together. It's perfect, Evie."

"And the fact that I'm a mage doesn't give you pause?"

"I hadn't even considered it. When I was a Templar in Ferelden or Kirkwall I'm not sure I would have felt for you what I feel now, and the thought of that sickens me."

"I could say the same about you. But that doesn't matter now."

"No, it doesn't"

"And so we've moved on to… what? A relationship? A… romance? Do we call it that?"

"Yes. I think we do."

"And the inevitable gossip?"

"What we do in private is our own. Let them speculate and talk if it helps keep folks happy here."

"I'm surprised you're so easy about this. But on the other hand, you care about everyone here, want what's best for them no matter what we face in the future. It's one thing I lo— admire in you." Judging by his raised eyebrow, he heard her almost-pronouncement, but she didn't care. Not one whit.

"You're no different, you know. You may not realize how your generosity affects everyone, but _they_ do. Deeply." He pulled her closer, holding her firmly in his embrace. "What do you want, Evie? For the future? For yourself?"

"Everything. All of it. Maybe too much for my own good, but… you especially. I want you in my life, for however long we have."

"Shh, don't say that. We _have_ a future." His voice was low and edged with concern. As he stared into her eyes, he gently rubbed his thumb over her cheek. "There's no need to worry about the future."

"If you say so." Just then, her stomach growled, dispelling the seriousness of the moment. "I haven't eaten in forever. Do you want to go to the kitchen with me and I'll cook you up some eggs like you've never had before? And we can talk, if you want."

"I apologize, but I have a report that will not wait to be distributed. Why don't we meet for supper instead?"

"All right," she said, repressing her disappointment. "I'll swing by and get you when I've wrapped up for the day." She moved to leave, but his hand snapped out to grasp her wrist. She turned back slowly, her chest rising and falling as if she couldn't get enough air. Mirrored in his eyes, she saw the same desire she felt surging through her veins.

"I wish my duties weren't so pressing."

"It's fine. I'm glad we cleared the air. Later, I'll tell you more about my life before the Conclave, if you like."

"I would like to hear whatever you feel comfortable sharing. But for now…." He gave her a reckless kiss, laced with urgency and hunger. She wondered if he were somehow marking her as his, and the thought thrilled her. As quickly as his mouth had rushed hers, he released her. "The day will be interminably long now." He touched her cheek with his fingers and held her gaze. Then he let his hand slide down, along the slim column of her neck, to the hollow at her throat where he admired her necklace. The charm it held was made of obsidian and shaped like a jumping trout. "A token of your past?"

"No. Just something I thought was fun, though I do like to fish. But I'm not overly attached to it or anything."

"Good to know should I come across something I think you'll like."

She could only smile. This was an important moment for them and yet words beyond the ordinary wouldn't come to her. "Goodbye, Cullen."

As descended the stairs, she heard him shout, "Don't work too hard, Evie!"

Maker, how long this day would be. She'd be lucky if she got anything accomplished beyond a hot bath.

* * *

"Suffice it to say, Evelyn is not, shall we say, worldly, and her past relationship was unhealthy. Toxic even." Dorian made a face that could only be described as disgusted. "I normally would never get involved in this sort of thing, but I do worry for her at times. She represses quite a lot of her past dealings with that bastard."

"I will keep that in mind," Cullen said, his stomach clenching at all the possibilities of what she'd been through.

"For fuck's sake, pretty boy, just tell him like it is," Sera said. "That Jameson was a prick and I'd slice off his dangly bits if he were here. Evelyn went through more than a woman ought to with that turd. So you make sure you treat her right, yeah?"

Cullen nodded, uneasy with what he might learn about the noble she was betrothed to. And why in the Maker's name did they feel the need to lecture him like he was a teenager?

"And Cullen, if you _do_ cock this up, you'll wake up with an arrow between your eyes. Well, you wouldn't be waking up then, now would you?"

Sera's shrill laughter went right through Cullen.

"Sera, that is not at all an appropriate thing to say to the Commander," Dorian said with a stern expression. "But oddly enough, I approve."

Cullen spread his hands in a placating gesture. "I know you both care for Evelyn a great deal, but so do I," he asserted. "Her safety and happiness are of the utmost importance to me, and as such, your concerns are touching but unnecessary. Now if you would excuse me, the woman you both so gallantly defend will be here shortly."

"Of course." Dorian eyed Sera and motioned to the door. "Allow me one more indulgent comment." Cullen nodded, patient as ever. "She likes you for who you are, not what you have or your title, or a lack of those things. Just be yourself and enjoy your dinner date."

"I will, and thank you."

Dorian grinned smugly as he pulled a writhing Sera out the door by her shirt.

Just as they were leaving, Evelyn stepped over the threshold, confused by her companions appearance in Cullen's' office as they walked away in silence, smiling like they knew a secret.

"Why were they here?" Evelyn asked, her eyes still on the closing door.

"A friendly chat is all."

"Somehow I think there's more to it than that," she said, planting her hands on her hips.

"They… care for you and want you to be happy. I can't fault them for that." He stuffed some books back into the bookcase, avoiding her prying gaze.

"Were there threats? Sera is particularly fond of threats."

"They came from a good place in her heart." He faced her, his lips twisting into a half-smile. "Sort of."

"So she _did_ threaten you. I'm sorry Cullen. I don't approve, just so you know."

"It's fine. Please don't worry. I'm more at ease knowing they have your back. They will keep you safe when you're away from me," he said, leaning down to touch foreheads.

They stood like that for several seconds and then he slipped an arm around her waist, kissing her until her cheeks flushed and her heart tried to pound its way out of her chest.

"You're free to come along any time you like. Skyhold won't fall apart if you're gone for a couple days."

"Perhaps." He paused to take her in, his face awash with tenderness, and she felt a certain shyness at his scrutiny. "It's good to see you in something other than armor. You're more serene and happy when you're not fighting or working. And I may not say it enough, but I'm so thankful the Maker brought you into our lives, Evie. Into _my_ life."

"Cullen…." Words wouldn't come to her lips then as he wrapped his arms around her. She only kept her head down and listened to his breathing.

"Ready for dinner?" he whispered. "Some of us haven't been stuffing ourselves with pastries all afternoon."

"Ha! If only my days were so simple."

Determined, he took her hand and pulled her toward the door. Before he stepped outside, he turned and kissed her on the cheek. "You must be hungry by now," he murmured, the emphasis on 'hungry' not lost on her, and had the satisfaction of watching her eyes grow large with surprise.

"Starving."

"Good. I have a few ideas about how to satisfy that hunger." He looked away, uncomfortable with his new forwardness but she put a gentle finger on his chin and turned his face to hers.

"Just so you know, I feel as awkward as you saying some of these things, but I appreciate it more than you can imagine."

She kissed him then as she had never kissed another man, a deep kiss with so much longing and yearning that she felt her knees grow weak. Her head pulsed with emotions she'd thought might have been gone forever. In that one dizzying moment, it was clear that Cullen belonged to her, for however long their time would be together. He made her feel like the woman she was, not the woman she needed to be for her family, for the Circle, for Jameson. She was herself, and that was a gift never offered to her in her lifetime.

"Can you cook?" he asked as they began walking down the stairs.

"Does boiling an egg count?"

"Absolutely."

"Actually I'm a good cook. Name a dish and you shall have it."

"That almost sounds like a dare," he said, and his eyes held certain challenge. "I've cooked for myself and my men for many years and have yet to lose anyone to food poisoning. Now that I know what you're about, you'll soon realize you haven't got a chance against me in the kitchen. We'll see what ingredients we can find and perhaps we can have a cook-off."

"Oh, you're on, Commander. I'll cook the pants off you."

His brows rose. "Interesting turn of phrase, Inquisitor."

"You know I didn't mean it that way." She punched him in the arm, but it seemed to hurt her fist far more than his solid bicep. Seeing him so relaxed made her realize how stressed he'd been the last couple months. It was surely habit mixed with the everyday demands of life that made it easy for her to miss subtle changes in his demeanor. She vowed to be more observant of his moods from now on.

"Now, have you ever had veal tarts with cream? Or stewed pigeons with onion salad?"

"No, but good luck with that." The wheels in his head were turning as he thought of a dish that would surpass hers. "I'm thinking… a meat tile with chicken, simmered, sautéed, and served in a spiced sauce of pounded crayfish tails, almonds, and toasted bread, and then garnished with whole crayfish tails."

"Wow, that's ambitious," she said, and wracked her brain for a more complicated dish.

They walked hand in hand in contented silence, the night air brisk. There was no denying the strong emotional tie developing between them, more than desire or mere affection, and that feeling was so new to her she couldn't be anything but content.

"Good thing we won't find most of those ingredients in the kitchen or we'd be cooking until sun up," she said.

"True, that. Likely we'll be comparing loaves of bread instead."

They shared a laugh, which brought an odd sense of wholeness to her, as if she hadn't fully moved on until now. His life, like hers, was ripped apart once too, a life sculpted by others in ways he couldn't understand at times.

She stopped to give him a peck on the lips. "At least the company will be good."

"The best."


	5. The Future is Unwritten

**The Future is Unwritten**

"You weren't kidding about being a good cook," Cullen said after swallowing another bite. "This is the most delicious meal I've ever had."

"Oh, stop." She waved him off, but her face flushed. "It's a simple omelet."

"No, it is not." Cullen wiped his mouth with a cloth napkin, savoring the last mouthful. "_Was_ not. Your omelet was fluffy, delicate. Very tasty, indeed. And such a wonderful use of the ingredients we found, especially the fresh prawns the cook was hiding in ice. She must have a mage as a good friend." He eyed her, one brow raising in question.

"Nope. Not me." She reached for the bottle of wine, silently laughing to herself. "More? I'm having more," she said, and poured herself a full glass.

"Why not." He grabbed the bottle and poured a generous amount. "Everyone seems to think I don't know how to loosen up and have fun."

"That's because they don't know you well." She smiled, the sincerity in her voice obvious. "Trust me, you're not as boring as they think."

"'Boring'? Who thinks I'm boring?" he asked, his nose scrunching up to his eyes. "_Everyone_?"

"No, not _everyone_… well…." She shrunk in her chair. "Sort of... everyone."

He squared his shoulders, unable to believe what she was saying. "I can have as much fun as the next man. In the right circumstances, that is. Like this."

"But they never see you like this, in casual clothes, slouching as you sip wine, comfortable in our isolated little sanctuary. All they know is the staid General of the Inquisition's army, tall and resolute in his command."

He straightened in his chair. "I don't slouch."

"Only with me, and that's fine." She took another sip of wine and forced a laugh, watching him with a vulnerable gaze. "It means you're relaxed."

"I am. Very relaxed." His shoulders eased. A familiar smile curved his lips as a comforting hand covered hers. "You have a soothing effect on me."

"I'm glad I do." She relished his gentleness then, admired his strength. She wanted to learn all about him. She knew already he loved sweets, hated green beans, had infinite patience with so many others but little for himself. Still, there was so much more to discover, though she felt that before he'd share more with her, she had to divulge something of herself. "So, Cullen, I did say I would give you some insight into my past, didn't I?"

"You did, but only if you are of a mind to share."

She looked away in an effort to suppress her pounding heart. "There are some things you should know, things that will explain a few of my… fears. And I've faced some of those fears," she said quickly, "the darker thoughts, but a couple things still linger unfortunately."

"I won't judge you," he said softly. "And don't feel as if you have to tell me anything that causes you discomfort."

"I do appreciate that. More than you can imagine." She nodded gratefully and took a deep breath. Another big gulp of wine went down, followed by a long sigh. "Jameson comes from a family that goes far back with the Trevelyan's. As such, our betrothal was arranged while we were very young. We played together as children, and although I wasn't very fond of him, I would never have guessed he'd grow into the heartless man he is today. He's quite adept at seeming the gentleman, the confident yet mischievous romantic. But in reality he's insecure and angry at the world. People perceived our relationship as loving and ideal, but no one knew how he really treated me when we were alone."

"I'm sorry. Sorry you had to go through that." Cullen shifted, feeling uncomfortable with her story. "And did he….?" The words wouldn't roll of his tongue, so bitter and heinous a thought. "I mean, was he…?"

"No. He never forced himself on me, not like the way you're thinking. But he belittled me, made fun of me in front our friends and family, and I had no choice but to smile my way through it all, as if it was some sort of endearing game. And then I'd do back to the Circle and…." Her brows drew together as she pinched her eyes closed. "Some nights I'd cry myself to sleep. But that was earlier on. In the last year or so I learned to ignore it all, spending more time at the Circle than at home, hoping that maybe the Grey Wardens would recruit me or I'd end up in some court, like Vivienne did. Anything to get out of the mess I was in. Clearly that never happened, but in some ways, I feel like the Maker did have a hand in my presence at the Conclave."

"And perhaps the Maker did, for both our sakes," he said, his smile slow and sure. Standing and walking around the table, he took her hand. "'In the absence of light, shadows thrive.'" Embracing her, he pressed his face against her hair. "I'm sure you were the only light in the darkness he chose to embrace."

"How can you have so much faith?" she whispered, unable to truly understand his comforting words, but knowing he meant only to make her feel less guilty. Or sorrowful. "It _is_ inspiring though."

He drew back and looked into her eyes. "Without faith, there is no hope. And without hope, it is difficult to love."

She hugged him again, wanting to say more, but knowing some things could wait. She sat back and smiled. "So, now that I've divulged that bit of my life, tell me something no one knows about you."

"I'd rather show you, when we have some free time."

"Avoiding the question then?" she asked with a sly grin.

"No, I simply have something in mind to share with you. If you need an answer now, then… no one knows my name-day."

"And? That would be?"

"It's passed, but it was the eighth of Cloudreach."

"That wasn't very long ago. I wish you had mentioned it then. We could have had a party!" she said with all the gleefulness of a youthful girl.

"Maker, no," he said, waving his hands about. "I don't need attention like that."

"Then we'll celebrate it during Wintersend."

"Please don't," he begged, trying to blink away an image of himself slugging back pints at the Herald's Rest with her companions.

"Oh, fine. How about we celebrate alone, just me and you?"

"That would be preferable."

Unbidden, she yawned and stretched and yawned again. "I'm sorry. I'm a bit tired."

"I understand. It's been a long day. I could use a good night's rest as well."

"Would you mind if we called it a night? I mean, I don't want to, but I'm hitting a wall."

"No worries. I have an early morning. Oh, and so do you. We have a War Council meeting at sun up."

"Maker. Why so early? I'm sure it's because Leliana and Josephine have no life whatsoever and live for these barely social moments." She sat back and half-pouted.

"I can change the time if you need more sleep," he said.

"That's sweet, but no. I won't be the bad guy here."

He tilted his head and offered a smile. "You could never be the bad guy, Evie. It's just not in you."

"If you say so." She blushed a thousand shades of pink then and the next words rushed from her lips. "Walk me home?" she asked. "It's late and dark by now. No one will question it."

"Of course I will. My lady." He offered her his arm. "And just so you know, I don't care if somebody questions it."

She took his arm, twining her fingers through his boldly. "Neither do I."

* * *

Evelyn approached the door to the blacksmith's workshop and heard shouting voices, one of which sounded like Cassandra's. "You give yourself too little credit!"

"If I'm unable to fulfill what vows I've kept, then nothing good has come of this. You'd rather save face? That is not acceptable to me."

_Oh, no. _Her heart sank. Cullen had had a crisis of faith since she saw him the previous night. She'd thought he was doing so well with the lyrium withdrawal, but they never discussed it. A pang in her chest spoke to her concern as to why he shared this with Cassandra though. Didn't he trust her yet? She'd asked him to share his feelings, his insecurities, and after she told him about Jameson, she thought he'd look to her in a moment of need, not one of their friends.

She marched up the stairs and spied Cassandra and Cullen locked in a heated stare. When she walked forward to stand between them, Cullen looked away from Cassandra and hung his head briefly.

"Forgive me, Inquisitor. This was… I'm sorry." He left the room, his demeanor equally defeated and resigned.

"And people say I'm stubborn," Cassandra announced as he descended the stairs.

"What's going on here?" Evelyn asked her.

"He told you that he stopped taking lyrium, did he not?"

"He did and I fully support him. It's a brave thing to do."

"I agree. But he asked me to replace him as Commander, concerned over some lingering feelings of weakness, as he called them. Of course I refused. It would destroy him, and I could not, in good faith, allow that. He's merely suffering from a moment of doubt."

"But why didn't he come to me?" she blurted, trying to hide her discomfort, but failing miserably.

Cassandra's disposition softened, her hand resting on Evelyn's shoulder. "We had an agreement long before you joined us. Besides, he wouldn't want to risk your… disappointment. He cares for you too much to allow you to pity him."

"I would never pity him, Cassandra."

"I know that, but men see things in a very different light than women."

"I'm sure we can change his mind," Evelyn said enthusiastically. "Come with me and we'll talk to him."

"I've said all I can say on the matter. But you… if anyone can convince him otherwise, it's you. He trusts you. Implicitly. And dare I say, he feels more for you than even _he _realizes. One word from you will mean the world to him."

"How can you be so sure? I don't feel as though he takes my word any more seriously than Sera's! And I don't want to inadvertently push him away."

"Inquisitor. _Evelyn_. He's a reasonable man most days. Have faith. You are more than a leader in his eyes. You are… a benefactor, a friend. The woman he… well, I think he loves you." Cassandra patted her shoulder and motioned for the door. "He _will_ listen to you."

"You are far too romantic for your own good, you know. No more of Varric's tales."

"Varric's tales are nonsense, I realize. But _hopeful_ nonsense nonetheless." Cassandra pulled her into an unexpected hug. "Cullen _will_ listen to you. Just… be honest yet gentle with him. He is an introspective and sensitive man."

"I know he is." Evelyn sighed. "Maker help me."

"Help yourself Inquisitor. But let the Maker guide you."

"Thank you, Cassandra. You are a true friend."

"As are you."

She shuddered as she walked away from the unexpected amity, repeating lines that would make Cullen feel comfortable and confident when all she really wanted to do was to lie naked in his arms, sharing emotions and secrets like lovers. Selfish, yes, but honest. Not that she'd mention that bit when she entered his office.

* * *

_**A/N:** And here's a short chapter. Not beta'd either. My thanks to all who alert/fav/review. It means so much to me. The muse has been hiding. All the time. I'm trying to break through. Hugs to Zute and Biff for their encouragement. They are the best. :)_


End file.
